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Driving west of Newcastle, straight towards Haltwhistle What should I happen to spy but army vehicles in convoy Wonder what these unmarked trucks might be carrying Turn the car to follow on I've always found procession's fun Police car just behind the queue asks me where I'm going to While might I ask these army trucks the same question Copper gets out of his car asks me if I'm going far "Visiting friends in Faslane," I say "Albemarle is on the way" The police officers don't seem to have come across the word "coincidence" before Losing sight of that convoy I press a button on my daughter's toy "Pigs go 'oink, oink, oink'" it says Policeman shoots a look of death Sheesh officer, I'm just keeping the little one entertained Having failed to find a crime PC makes do with wasting my time Hands me a nice piece of paper, not an award, instead a producer And here's me just taking a Sunday evening drive in the countryside Grab my wife's mobile phone, not a device I've ever owned Phoned a friend from Stop the War Any idea what this convoy's for? He says it's carrying an American-owened nuclear warhead capable of blowing up most of Newcastle,Gateshead and Sunderland in one fell swoop Gee, thinks I, the football league would never be the same again So I decides I'd like to know exactly which route this warhead goes By driving fast, I rejoin the line where the A1 meets the 69 Hey, ten years ago I lived 100 yards from this Newcastle roundabout in a densely populated council estate If only I'd known then what I know now I could have built myself a nuclear shelter But driving fast is not ideal I think, as I lose control of the wheel My car goes right in front of the truck and Tyneside just ran out of luck Goodbye, Sage, Baltic, and the population of hundreds of thousands but it was worth it all to deter North Korea from getting nuclear weapons, right? |
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